Monday, December 27, 2010

Closing time....

Wow, this year is almost over. I've made some amazing discoveries about myself. Things I was surprised to realize. I think I'm a completely different person than I've thought I am. When you spend your life thinking you are living for a particular thing, just to have something (or someone) come along and make you realize that you were living for the wrong thing is incredible.

I never thought of myself as strong, determined, talented, beautiful, motivated. I've been weak-I've let other people (i.e. ex-boyfriend) define me. I've let people tell me I'm lazy, or indecisive, or whatever. I've let other peoples opinions or suggestions or views of me shape who I 'was'. Then Princess came along, and I HAD to be strong, determined, motivated. I had no choice. But I'm ok with it. Having a child and having to struggle with her has completely changed me. She helps to define me. I'm mommy. I'm happy with that. But being mommy meant I had to find that strength somewhere inside and I finally have found it.

I've been looking back on the last years of my life and have realized that there were a lot of lies in my life. Not bad lies necessarily, I guess more untruths. I was untrue to myself, to the people around me, but mainly to myself. I was being who i thought I was supposed to be, and not who I really am.

2011 will be a year of showing my true self. Making ME happy. Making Princess happy. My life is MINE and I'm not living it for the approval or needs of anyone other than ME and PRINCESS. I haven't quite decided if I'm ok with the loneliness I feel these days. I don't know if I'll always be alone. Right now I'm going to say YES simply because the time or honestly the desire to 'find' someone isn't there, and even though I do have the lonely moments, I don't think its worth it right now to complicate things. I'm trying to make myself into who I want my child to see me for. I need to make sure I'm able to do what I can to make sure she will grow up a strong person, talented, beautiful, motivated. All the things I wish I'd made sure of for myself.

But I'm working on that for myself now.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

I can't believe its Christmas! This Christmas has been pretty great. I've decorated my whole house and have been able to provide Princess with several gifts. She even sort of understands this year which is fantastic! I think next year will be even better, but this has been pretty great. We are doing Christmas at my house this year, so my grandmother is here now, and Mom & B will be arriving shortly.

I can't wait for the smells and noise to fill the house with holiday cheer and to see the look on my beautiful daughters face when she sees the tree all lit and her presents underneath.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

So close to Christmas!!

I can't believe Christmas is just next week! I'm super excited that it will be at MY house this year!! Yay! I can't wait for Princess to wake up, run to the living room, and completely ignore her gifts :) Well, I'm hoping its more exciting than that but we will see!

Everyone is coming to my house this year, so we can celebrate Princess's first Christmas that she might actually know what is going on. She's been LOVING all the decorations around the house, and has loved the lights in The Village as we driving through. We haven't been to see Santa yet, so I'm not sure how that will go over. Hopefully I can take her this weekend to go see him!

I really feel the magic of Christmas, having it to share with my little princess. Makes me really appreciate this time even more!

But I would like the freakish weather to make up its mind!

Smiles!


About to hang her Baby's 1st Christmas ornament

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Drama-Llama bye bye

Amazingly I think this is the first time EVER I don't have D-R-A-M-A. No friend drama, no BOY DRAMA. I've always had some sort of guy problems going on, but I'm simply amazed I don't have any right now. I'm not interested in anyone (which is really a first for me), I'm not stressing over wanting Justin back, I'm not engaging Princess's dad anymore. I'm just.....empty. It's a really odd feeling, and not something I've really ever felt before. And its FANTASTIC.

I have occasional times where I feel lonely and wish I had a boyfriend, but even though its the holiday season, I'm really NOT upset that I'm single. Listening to people complaining about how their husbands are lazy, or having to deal with in-laws makes me a little relieved actually.  Or even listening to people being so disgustingly happy and how they 'have the best husband/boyfriend ever' doesn't bother me like it has in the past.

I'm considering the idea of having a sitter one night a week so I can actually go out and enjoy myself-a movie (alone even) or hanging out with my friends, or even possibly going out on a date or 2. I just finally am finding myself and don't think I need to fuck it up by adding some dude to the agenda. If I find someone then that's great-but I'm DONE with the drama-the drama-llama can officially leave!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'm thankful....

Thanksgiving is almost here. It literally snuck up on me! I just realized today that it is NEXT WEEK! Craziness!!!

I've felt sort of emotionally out of control lately. Not just 'boy' troubles but just in general. Not sure what I want my life to be. I thought it was fine and happy, but it just seems....I don't know. I'm working on it. My first order of business was to get my 'love emotions' in check. DONE. I really started thinking about all my past relationships, how I felt, what I liked about the guy or what we did, and what I felt I truly wanted from a relationship. I know now that I haven't really been in love. Every past relationship was out of comfort or convenience. I haven't really found a man I truly was in pure love with. It makes me kinda sad, but also relieved to know I can let go of all those past guys-Lee, Mark, Roy, Yamada, Justin-and I know that my heart is free and clear. There is no more pain there, no sadness. Just a lot of memories, and I'm trying to only keep the good ones.

I know what I'm really looking for in someone-same taste in music, the same sarcasm I have, he needs to respect my Goddess side and let me still be an independent person, but also step up and give me support, advice, love, and attention when I need it. The funny part about finally realizing all of that is that I don't even want it right now. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't NEED a boyfriend. I need to finish getting my life in order. I'm so focused on finances right now. I've made it to a point in my life where I am finally in charge of my money-its not running my life anymore. I'm working on building this apartment into a real HOME. Decorated, warm, happy. A place for Princess to love to be. And my #1 priority-raising her into a smart, independent, loving individual.

I'm thankful I'm finally beginning to find out who I really am. I've still got confusion about things, and I'm working on that. But certain parts of my life I've figured out. I at least know what direction to take those parts in at least!

Monday, November 08, 2010

The 'Date'

It wasn't really a 'DATE'. Well, maybe it was....if so it honestly is my idea of a perfect date! J picked me up and we went to the suite for the Mavs game. Another coworker was there with his date/friend/girl-whatever she was, I liked her, she was fun!  We watched the Mavs game and had a couple of beers in our suite (Mavs lost dang it!). Co-Worker wanted us to go to Lotus with him and his girl after the game. J said we could go, but only for one drink since he'd been at work all day and had to work the next morning....yeah, then we get there and CoWorker immediately orders him 2 Crown & cokes! And he knows the bartender, so when I say coke, it was literally a splash...

Lotus is definitely a 'trendy' spot. Lots of 20-something girls in tiny skirts and high heels and lots of dudes trying to be cool. We had a great time, it was really like 'old times'. We drank, laughed, joked, and just had a great time. It was weird because it really was just like the old times but a good weird. I definitely enjoyed the evening out. But what do you expect when you let me watch the Mavs, then party at a super trendy club? It was a perfect night out for me!!

Oh, and I did sleep alone, just in case anyone had any dirty thoughts....

Friday, November 05, 2010

Sweet November

Usually October is my favorite month, however, this October didn't end quite as well as I'd hoped, with a sick toddler and sick mommy! She missed her very first school party, which just broke my heart. I know, she has NO idea she missed it, but I do. She didn't even get to wear her costume out of the house! Good thing its part of pretend play so she is getting use out of it anyhow.

The good that has happened though, is her dad and I are talking now. Lots of fun texting, and quite possibly a date tomorrow night! Well, the Mavs game-best date I can think of!! If we don't get the tickets, then I'll be heading out to P-town to have some drinks with some girlfriends, and to meet up with an old restaurant friend to help celebrate her birthday! I'm also spending lunch tomorrow with my high school girlfriends, some that I haven't seen in quite awhile. So tomorrow will be a really fun day for me, and lucky Princess gets to spend the weekend with her other family, the Clarks, enjoying time with her cousins and giving her aunt her baby fix! I'm so excited for them to see her and see how much she has changed since they last had her (which I can't even remember when that was-over 3 months for sure!). And I'm incredibly grateful for an evening out!

I've been considering getting a nanny for one or two nights a week, so that I can go and do things like meet a friend for happy hour, or have a date, or just go grocery shopping without distraction or get a pedicure. Its hard sometimes to remember that I need to do things for myself every once in awhile because I'm completely focused on doing things FOR princess and catering to her. I think my daughter might be a bit spoiled and I'm totally ok with that!! But taking care of mommy is important too, and having time every once in awhile to do what I need to do will just insure that I'm the best mommy I can be.

Looking forward to a fantastic weekend!!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Sick baby

What a rough few days. The Princess caught a stomach bug and has been sick since Thursday night. There is nothing more heartbreaking than seeing your child so sick and know that you just can't make it better. She started off vomiting Thurs and continued into the night. At 4 am I went in to comfort her and ended up sleeping on her bedroom floor next to her bed. She just laid around all day Friday. we missed her very first school party. I know she doesn't know that, but I do, and I was so disappointed for her. She was going to be such an adorable little Chef!

Last night she seemed a tiny bit better, but moved from the vomiting to the disgusting diapers. I'll spare you details, but let me just say its disgusting. She woke up at 4 am again (seems to be her favorite time of the day) and just did not want to go back to sleep. So I finally turned on her tv, made us both a pallet on the floor and she finally laid down to sleep again at 5 am, on the floor next to me. So a second night of sleeping on the floor in her room.

Today I took her out to the mall for the festival they were having-not toddler friendly for sure. The rest of our day consisted of Walmart, lunch with Gramma and playing with her new shopping cart which she loved.

Its now almost 7 pm, the Rangers are on, the house is peaceful, and I'm hoping to sleep in my own bed all night tonight!

Perhaps I should invest in an air mattress....or a bed lower to the ground.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

mini-vaca

FOUR whole days away from work!! Tomorrow I'm going to go to happy hour with Casey-2 sexy single gals hitting up either Uptown, Addy, or Legacy-depends on where we think the hot bachelors will be *wink wink*.
Friday I'm taking Princess to the fair with my other area Marchies.
Mmmmmm fried food and great weather!!

Saturday CoCo is getting married!! I'll even actually enjoy the wedding instead of being bitter that I'm single. I'm so happy for her and Ryan and I'm looking forward to a beautiful wedding.

Sunday will be relaxing at home with my lil princess!

I'm really happy to finally be getting back into a normal active life.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Finally making progress....

On my apartment! I've finally got pics on the walls, some stuff put up/away, and a couple of furniture pieces to sort of round it out. Still trying to really make it feel like 'home'. Its getting there!! I want to be able to invite some girls over for a wine night soon, but I want my apartment to be all put together.

Surprisingly Big Lots had alot of good stuff today. Of course I was all the way out in G-town-apparently they have better buyers than mine here does!

So, slowly but surely its getting there!!

Wine night in November!!

Friday, October 08, 2010

Determination

I was always active. I ran, I danced, I cheered, I played volleyball. I worked in restaurants for most of my life. Running around a hot restaurant, drinking and dancing at night, and living on ramen & grilled turkey sandwiches will pretty much keep you thin. I usually stayed right around 130 pounds. I looked good, I felt sexy, I loved my body and had confidence.

Then, I met a guy who I thought I was in love with. We moved in together, and I realized he was an alcoholic who emotionally abused me. He would rather spend time with his friend Patron and strip clubs and spend all of 'our' money on strippers and tequila then spend time with his girlfriend. I became depressed, gained ALOT of weight. We broke up and started getting back into my restaurant 'shape'. Back to working double shifts and drinking my dinner while dancing the fat away. I got back to my 'sexy legs' that all the guys at Tia's CONSTANTLY commented on. I felt like my sexy self again.

Then another rollercoaster relationship and I gained more weight back. We broke up, I moved and got active again. I also started working with a personal trainer and although I didnt really get my weight EXACTLY where I wanted it, I felt good about my body. Then I got pregnant! Sheesh, can I catch a break for my weight???

Now I'm trying very hard to focus on getting my Goddess mentality back. I'm trying to eat better, I'm incorporating some walks with Princess into my weekly routine, and trying to make sure I focus 100% on our 2 weekly workouts at work.

I'm determined to get my body back.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Happy 18 Months Princess!




My beautiful baby princess turned 18 months yesterday. Half way to being 2! She is such an amazing, smart, beautiful little angel. I don't know what I did to deserve to be her mommy but I'm so happy that she was given to me. Her stunning hazel eyes, that goofy crazy laugh she does, how she sticks her tongue out and opens her mouth when I say 'Let me see!'. I taught her to sort of sign I love you yesterday and it was adorable! She is learning so fast, growing at an amazing rate-I blink my eyes and she's changed. Its amazing how you think you have your life set and under control, then this tiny little creature comes along and throws your whole world into a tailspin, and you couldn't be happier about it....being a mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.




Princess, you are my beautiful daughter, and I love you more than I ever thought possible!


Happy 18 months baby girl!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Why wont she sleep???


Princess has never been a very good sleeper (ever) but the last two nights I swear she's trying to kill me. She went to bed at 10:30 last night!!! Not fussy, not crying, not even really playing-just didnt want to go to sleep. She gets so hurt though when I put her in bed and tell her its bedtime and to stay in bed, and it breaks my heart to see her so sad and hurt (and to know I'm the one who caused it) but I just don't know what to do!! I think maybe she just wanted to spend time with mommy, but she wouldn't just settle down and sit on the couch-she wanted to jump and throw herself around.

I know I can't give in everytime she looks heartbroken, or I'll be dealing with a spoiled brat, but when she is still to young to totally understand what I'm telling her I feel horrible for hurting her feelings.

I'm such a pushover mommy.....

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Oh Fall, How I've missed thee...

Its FINALLY Fall! Things I love about the fall...
  • FOOTBALL SEASON! Hook 'em Horns!
  • Halloween & Thanksgiving
  • Wearing comfy sweaters and sexy boots
  • My birthday!
  • The crisp clear weather
  • The smells-pumpkin spice, vanilla, cold air
  • The State Fair of Texas!!!

I just love everything about fall. It makes me feel like a kid again for some reason. A perfect day is being able to wear leggings, a lightweight jacket, boots and walking around the state fair with a corn dog and a cold Fireman's #4!

Come on Fall!!!