Sunday, May 15, 2011

Rough weekend

Wow, I'm so super emo tonight. Not really sure why. Just feeling lonely I guess. M has been in her 'terrible 2s' stage lately and has been a bit beastly so she hasn't been sleeping well, which is probably contributing to the emo feeling I have. I'm actually crying sitting here watching the Jerseylicious 'reunion' show because they are talking about Gigi & Frankie breaking up. Frankie's mom is on talking about how much she loves Gigi and how excited they were wanting to welcome her into the family, and now they don't get to. You have to be watching it I guess. There's a reason its making me cry but I'm not really going to get into. I just sort of miss a family that I thought I was going to be part of. Yeah-I'm just a bit lonely I suppose.

Anyway....I have alot of internal turmoil going on. Trying to get some things figured out in my head. Everytime I make a decision I second guess it, and the decisions I HAVE made I feel like are the wrong ones. I've managed to keep the drama out of my life, but sadly the stress (work, living situation, financial, lack of sleep, injury etc.) won't seem to go away and its starting to wear on my. Working 50 hours a week, being a full time single mom of a willful, stubborn, emotional 2 year old, hating where I live, and not having any sort of companionship from friends is starting to wear on me. I just have to remember I need to be stronger than this. Changes are coming, its just very very slow, and I'm so incredibly impatient. And every single decision I make affects M. I'm terrified of making the wrong choices and messing up her life. She deserves a happy, excited, loving and strong mother and home life, and I feel like she isnt quite getting that now, and I hate that.

I just need to get back in the swing of working out, and get into a new home. No matter how hard I try I can't make this hole I live in a 'home' and its a big stresser. Just trying to focus on each day and getting through each day....I need a vacation.....

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