Monday, April 30, 2012

National Honesty Day

So apparently today is National Honesty Day...I have a few honest things to get out. I've been thinking the last few days about my past, my future, Princess and her future. What kind of person I want her to be. I have to set the example for her. I always thought (arrogantly I might add) that I was soooo strong. I'm this tough single mom, doing it all by myself. I actually hate to ask for help which is why I never get a sitter and I used to never ask my mom to babysit so I could go anywhere. She is MY daughter so she is MY responsibility. I have no right to go out and have a life of my own. i chose to be a single mom and now I have to accept the responsibility and give up my life....there is a reason for that paragraph I just wrote and I'll get back to it.

I used to be described as sweet, quiet, I never complained, I never said no, I cared too much about what everyone else thought so I wanted nothing more than to be the 'perfect' girlfriend, the 'best' friend, or the most valuable employee. I never spoke up, I never complained, I never bitched. Now I feel like I've gone to the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I'm whiney, I'm bitchy, I'm always negative. I can blame it on things like stress from never sleeping (Princess is NOT a good sleeper and never has been) or stress from being a single mom. But honestly....I dont know what it is. I really don't. I was thinking about some past relationships. I've dated some guys who really treated me like crap because I wouldn't ever speak up for myself. I allowed them to continue to neglect me or 'hide' me. Of course the downfall of dating guys you work with that are either above or under you on the totem pole is needing to be discreet. But it comes down to feeling like they were embarrassed of me. And a man who truly cares about you should be proud to hold your hand in public, give you a hug, talk about you to his friends. As my very wise friend said "Don't make someone a priority who only makes you an option'.  J was like that-I was his option. And he was my priority. My world. So frustrating. Even when we no longer worked together and were on the same level at work he still acted like he didn't want anyone to know. Of course now I know he was just a flat out asshole. I also realized that the last couple of relationships I was in I was so sarcastic and just flat out bitchy. Always suspicious of a kind remark, or bitchy when someone didn't answer me immediately (he shouldn't have a life outside of me duh) I used to tell J that I was 'a perfect girlfriend' when I was so sullen and clingy and temperamental. I have this horrible temper and I just don't know where it suddenly came from. But I still care too much about what OTHER people think than what I really want or feel.

I'm not strong. I'm mean. I have become so hard, so easily angered by annoying people. The littlest things will make me so mad at work, and its sort of ridiculous. I miss my happiness. I miss waking up looking forward to the day. The best parts of my day are when Princess wakes up with her big smiles and giggles and when i pick her up in the afternoon. But I know that she and I need more in our lives. We need happiness and fun and excitement. And I'm going to find it. I'm going to find the old happy me. Let the sarcasm and snarkiness go. I've been spending time with some new friends lately and its really been helping me feel better, I think I may be finally breaking out of the rut and finding the old me again. While i admit I really hate being single, I always have believed you can't make someone else happy until you make yourself happy. so thats what we are doing. me and the princess. Moving forward with laughter, happiness, and fun.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Hello Spring! Hello Crazy!

Ah spring...the great weather, the cute new clothes, wearing cute strappy high heels and sandals. I love spring. The fresh smells and the RANGERS playing (i'm actually watching them play the Yankees right now)! This spring has been pretty great so far. I've spent some fun times with some new/old friends. Hanging in the country getting to know some coworkers better and making some good friendships.

Taking Princess to the park and the zoo. She is becoming such a big big girl! She can count to 20 in spanish, say the pledge of alliegance and says her prayers every night (and snacks for all the kids!). She is becoming this amazingly smart little girl and all her 'babyness' is leaving. God it makes me sad. Raising her has been the hardest thing i've ever done in my life. The lack of sleep, the stress of making all the decisions, the lonliness. Feeling like I will now NEVER find a man because really, what guy wants to date a woman with a kid? There are so many aspects of my life that are so frustrating and feel out of control, but when I listen to Princess sing Stronger or how proud she is after she counts to 20 (yeah in spanish) or when she sits on the floor playing with her My Little Ponies so happy and enthusiastic I don't think about those things. Especially when she says "I love you momma". Every bit of stress and sleepless night is worth it.

Spring also brings about (back to the original topic of my post) my usual time to apartment hunt. I'm really REALLY sick of moving. SO OVER IT. But there are aspects of this apartment that I just cant deal with anymore (no parking, and 3 flights of stairs and the NOISY traffic from the highway. The Taco Bueno drive thru echoing in my bedroom sucks too) So its time to move. I've seriously been considering moving back to my hometown where I grew up and where my BFFs family lives. it would be so great to just be 'home'. That is still a debat right now because of the drive. Still not sure I'm ready for an hour drive to/from work every single day. Another fabulous thing about the spring is being able to workout in great weather and the kick it gives you for getting in shape. I've been injured, hurt back and shoulder so i've had to lay off the Camp Gladiator but I miss it like craaaaaazy. I miss my CG peeps and the amazing feeling I have after a really hard core workout. I've got my Zumba license now and am hoping after I get moved I can find a place to teach a class. I havent been since right after I got my license and I'm itching to go back. Being injured SUCKS. Like majorly. I love to dance and move and I hate missing the workouts. I did download an awesome app for running and I'm going to TRY to get into running. I actually made it a full mile on Saturday and ran for almost all of it and didnt die. GO ME. of course i havent been back (wow what a freaking slacker!) but I will be going to run tomorrow and WILL be back at Zumba on Thursday. I've also been on track with my supplements and almost back to healthy full time eating. I still need to rework my diet some and am trying hard to get more fruits and veggies in and cut the nasty crap. I've been doing pretty good. I'm determined THIS will be my bikini year. i know it. And with Zumba and CAMP GLADIATOR I will be there.

So happy spring my friends