Thursday, August 30, 2012

Please stop telling me....

That “he’s out there. You’ll find the right guy. You just have to give it time”. There comes a point where you have to realize-its not them. Its ME. I feel like the last single woman on the planet. All around me are these happy couples-married, engaged, committed. And then….there’s me. Hi there! I’m just over here like “Hey look I have 12 cats aren’t they cute? Look at what I knitted today-it’s a 100 foot scarf”. Yeah, I see my life turning out like that in about 15 years (after Princess has found her ‘own’ life as a teen). So I’m chatting with my “twin” as I do to sort out some of my annoying emotions and the more I chat with her about this particular frustration and loneliness I begin to realize something. All around me are these friends, both male and female, who meet someone, go out a couple of times, and are suddenly very happy, in love, and no problem displaying their affection for the other. Then there is me. I find the men who are closed off, sarcastic, and have been so wounded and quite frankly fucked up by a previous lover that they are unable or unwilling to fully commit or even have an open (as opposed to a secretive) relationship with me. Or anyone so they have claimed.
But really….how do I seem to find these particular men? I don’t seek them out-in all honesty the 4 I’m thinking of in the last few years have sought ME out. Claimed I was a wonderful person (which duh, I AM).  In private we laugh, we are comfortable with each other, we enjoy each other’s company. But to his friends, I’m no one. A friend, an acquaintance, a coworker-whatever it may be. But behind closed doors I’m his best friend, his partner. I’m there to listen to secrets or to laugh at jokes. I’m there to comfort him during a hard time or encourage him for something he wants to accomplish. And when I need the same in return I’m afraid to ask for it as I’m worried that it will push him away or that I’m overstepping my boundaries because I’m not a ‘girlfriend’. So I stay aloof. I stay slightly sarcastic. I pretend I don’t need anything and that’s what I ultimately get from him. Its probably been 10 years since I was a true girlfriend. And *I* messed that one up by pushing him away for one of these guys Im speaking of here. One of the exciting, secret, new relationships. That guy, I’ll call him “M” was amazing to me. He loved me so plainly and clearly. He was good to me. And I left. Because clearly I’m a masochist who needs to find a man who will constantly break my spirit and my heart. Because that’s all I’ve had the last 10 years. So why should I even try anymore? Whats the point? I make the decision to just be single and accept it but why wont this bitterness go away? There is nothing wrong with being single. I’ve been alone for 3 years, done the hardest thing absolutely possible and had a child alone without the emotional support of a man, so if I made it through THAT then I can make it through the rest of my life alone. No biggie.

I don’t need a man who is going to be at my side 24/7. Who will constantly call me to ‘check in’ or tell me where he is/what he’s doing/where he’s going. I’m not THAT girl. I don’t need a GPS on your daily life. I just need someone who will accept me for me, who finds my twisted sense of humor and sarcasm amusing, who will listen when I need an ear, give me a hug when I feel overwhelmed, let me alone when I need my quiet time and space (yeah, some girls do actually want some space). I’m not complicated. I’m not clingy. I don’t expect your life to stop for mine. I need you to not be afraid to say I mean something to you to the world. I want you to lay on the couch and watch tv with me (but don’t talk when its something good, please know when to be quiet). I need you to give me my space to be a mother and remember that I’m NOT looking for a ‘baby daddy’ for my Princess. I need you to quietly support me when I’m trying to study for a test. I need you to send me a good night text because I don’t need you in my bed every single night, but I need to know you miss me. I’m still an independent woman. I need to call you when I’m scared and have you offer to come save me, but know that I CAN save myself, unless I set my oven on fire again, in which case I need you to NOT laugh at me and come over and save me. Maybe. Depends on how big the fire gets.  I need you to be a part of my world-very special and important, but not my whole world. But maybe because I’m NOT the clingy-demanding-tellmeeverythingyouhadtoeatanddrinkandwhodidyoutalkto kind of girl, maybe that’s why I’m alone? And if that’s the case then thank God I AM alone! I can’t be THAT girl. Oh no.

Excuse me, but my cats need some Meow Mix and I must run to Joanns for some more yarn…..Happy Thursday friends!

Oh….and please, no ‘he’s really out there!’ comments. Tell me the truth. That only the selfish, rude, and fucked up ones are the ones left in the world and I’m better off alone.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Oops, been a little lax on the updating of the blog-sorry friends!! Its been a craaaazzzzzy couple of months. We got moved in July and I super-duper love my cozy lovely happy little home. The Princess is finally starting to act like the precious little angel I know she really is, and we are getting into our routine. SCORE.

I'm also working on getting back into S.C.H.O.O.L. Yep. Decided to jump back in the small pond and try to get an associates at a community college (cc) Ive been accepted to one, and after debating on what to do what to do what to do I finally decided to purse my AAS. Associates in Applied Science. I'm going for something computer related-not exactly sure which exactly-Network Administration, Web Design, programming, etc. but I know that technology is a growing field, we are always getting something new and shiny at work, and why not put my love of internet surfing, people stalking, game playing, obsession of the WWW to a usefull skill? Well why not....I'm going to talk to an advisor sometime this week and set my class schedule. I got financial aid (hey a perk of single-mommyhood) and its a CC so its not like its THAT expensive.

I know its going to suck. Its going to be hard. But really....what else do I have to do after princess goes to bed? Its not like I *actually* sleep anymore. My body hasnt had more than 4 uninterrupted hours of sleep in like 4 years so why start catching up now that princess thinks sleeping in her OWN bed all night is the best thing in the world? She really does-its so cute, when i go wake her for school the first words out of her mouth before her eyes are even open are "i sleep in my own bed aaaall night" God i love this child.

So there we go. Thats my life. Work/live/school. Fun times huh?

From our trip to the Aquarium

Next blog will be later this week about my actual physical ache I have for Fall to bring its stubborn ass on to my life.