Thursday, October 24, 2013

Oh my crazy life....

So I'm looking back on my life. At the crazy things I did, the bad things that have happened to me and around me, the stupid things that I've done that I really should have suffered for. I know that no one's life is perfect, I understand that but I've witnessed and experienced things that I wish I never had. I've seen abuse and suffering.  I've done things that if I could take them back I proooobably should. I haven't been the best person in my young and crazy days. But. I had fun. Stupid fun, but not many regrets (dating the creeper guy who stalked me and stole my picture is a regret, not following through on trying out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders is a GIANT regret. Going crazy on an ex is a regret - even though he absolutely deserved it)-I always had that demon and angel sitting there side by side fighting my good girl side. Cause I used to be a pretty quiet, shy, reserved kid. But then my junior year of high school happened and....well....I know I probably stressed my mother out with stupid things I did (not including the ones she never even knew about!)and for that I'm sorry but dang I had some fun when I was younger. Nights spent drinking and dancing in the rain. Hanging with the fraternity boys and the prep school boys. Going dancing 4 nights a week. Dating anyone I wanted anytime I wanted (those are some regrets right there). Back when I had no regard for anyone but myself and my friends and thought I was invincible. Now I've grown up, some at least. I'm trying to reel in my crazy dontmesswithmeoryouwillregretit Irish side. I've definitely reeled back my crazy drinking side-mostly because now I'm a mom and sit at home the majority of the time. I miss being able to go to a bar and hang out at 9 pm on a Thursday. But I know that what I'm getting instead, time with Princess, is 10000x more important and more fulfilling. Besides, it takes me a heck of a lot longer to recover from a night of drinking as it did before! A little of the Tia's cooks 'special morning breakfast' and a Bawls energy drink and I'd be good to go by 11 am! Now I'm still struggling 48 hours AFTER I STOP drinking! I sure miss working in restaurants some days.

But all those things I did or that happened to me shaped me into who I am. And maybe I'm not the good person now I think I am, and maybe if I told someone all my demons I'd be better, but so much is so personal that I don't want to open the gate to the memories. And perhaps I think someone wouldn't accept me if they knew what I'd been through. Or I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I struggled with some hard times that I wish I could just block out but it made me a stronger person. I've let people use me and treat me badly and I just accepted it or hid it from others. But it made me a stronger person.  Its also made me a little more angry and defiant and harder to deal with, and I know I've pushed a few guys away because of that. I have trust issues. I absolutely know that. I have a hard time letting someone in and accepting that they care for me. I know that too. I'm working on those things now that I'm older and can recognize my own weaknesses. And I think that's a big sign of growing up. When you can recognize those things that hold you back and you actively try to change them. I've been working on trusting people (friends as well as love interests) more lately.  My recent breakup stung quite a bit since I was beginning to trust him whole-heartedly and clearly shouldn't have (or it was just too late and I didn't realize it) but I can't continue to let one person at a time put another brick in that wall I'm trying so hard to tear down. But when it happens over and over at what point do you say 'I just can't do it anymore. I can't take another heartbreak or disappointment'. But if you give up and leave that wall up are you cutting yourself off from finding happiness? Or do you just say 'fuck it, I'll never be in a relationship again because its too risky'. Or where is that line between being a bitch because you are protecting yourself and just being cautious? I can't walk that line. I'm always 3 feet over on the bitch side.

How many times do you get hurt before you give up? Or should you just always believe that the good people are out there and you will eventually find them? And they will be so good they start to mend those bits of trust that are broken? Well I may have just answered my very own question since I'm beginning to realize I can not only trust but count on the people in my life right now. I guess it takes just finally finding the ones that FIT and giving yourself that one last vulnerable moment to let them in. And hope with all hope that you have made the right choice in who you surround yourself with. I think I may have finally found those people and I'm fighting every crazy over emotional thought in my soul that says to stop it because at some point you have to tell your demons to STFU and conquer them.

I'm finally standing up to those demons and I feel like I'm starting to win the battle. At least getting on a better war field I suppose. Are you fighting your demons yet?

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The sign....

The hardest thing in life is realizing that the person that means everything to you, the one you would have moved mountains for and can't stop thinking about has not only stopped thinking about you but has moved on. They not only gave up on you, but have so quickly found someone else. Seeing the one you love with someone else tears your heart apart. It makes you sick to your stomach and makes your eyes burn. It's hard to accept that. 

But the reality is....if they moved on so quickly then was that love REAL? Was it as true as you thought it was? Clearly not. And the funny thing is, THAT realization should help you feel better. It's a dirty little reality but it should help your mind and heart to begin to mend. To realize that "hey, I tried because I was in love. They walked away because they were not in love" it really should help you. You can stop thinking you did something wrong or you are to blame because seeing them move on quickly to someone else shows where their heart really was-not with you. A sign you shouldn't waste your time or energy on trying to figure out what went wrong, what you did and can you fix it for another try. It's time to walk away. 

It's normal to feel betrayed, bitter and broken, but you have to remember that hearts heal. They may be fragile and sensitive but they do heal. There may always be a piece that belongs to that other person but you can fill that space with more love and faith for another person. One that hopefully will come along and fill that hole with a peice of their own once broken and fragile heart. And remember when you get that peice to cherish it. Love it's flaws from the beginning and if you can't then back away then. Be strong enough to hold your heart for someone who truly deserves it, but also remember you are strong enough to heal it when/if that person breaks it. 

It's ok to be disappointed, but don't let it hold you back from being happy. Appreciate the things you learned from that relationship, accept the sign it's over and focus on yourself and finding something that makes you happy. Cause once you mend up that heart and fill it with some happiness then a real love may just find it's way to you. The old me would lash out, be hateful and angry and perhaps a bit childish (there's that Irish peeking out) but now I know that I can't let hard times bring me down. I've surrounded myself with people who care and have let happiness in my heart and home and things like a break up, while painful and hurt, won't destroy me anymore. What's meant to be will always find a way and that right person will be there when the time is right. For both of you. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Aaron Lewis - What Hurts The Most (Rascal Flatts) HD Live in Lake Tahoe ...

WARNING EXPICIT LANGUAGE!! (Aaron cusses a bit at the beginning)

So I wrote a post the other day about music and how much it means to me. And this song is the exact example of what I meant. These words that he sings pretty much sums me up. But I also love this song because although it was made popular by another band (country even) he heard the songwriter sing it and it touched him and he needed to sing it himself. I love that about him.

And yes, this song really reflects my recent break up so its both therapeutic and difficult to listen to because these words resonate in my head so much. But it helps me to know someone else felt this. That someone else didn't get a chance to say what was on their mind and in their heart, and that it makes them wonder what could have been if they had tried harder. But that's just my thoughts at this particular time. Cause my thoughts literally can change by the minute about how I feel about something. I'm a ball of fun.  And of course hearing Aaron's amazing voice speaking to me helps.

Now I MUST find this song to put in my iTunes. Its a must do.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

My child comes first....right?

So there is this thing floating around facebook that says something like "My kids come first no matter what". Princess is the absolute most important thing in my life. Above my own well-being, above my own needs and above my own love life (which is why I have none). I sacrificing my own happiness for her? My question is, not only is that fair but is it healthy? I fully believe that for your child to be happy, healthy and to thrive that the PARENTS need to be happy. If I'm miserable my child will pick up on that and will act outrageous. If I'm happy and relaxed then she is happy and sweet and content. And I've lived that exact situation for the past 4 years. When I was happy, which admittedly was not very often, she was a good child. When I've been stressed and miserable she has been whiney, stubborn, and constantly cried.

So its all connected, yes? Happy mommy=happy child. Angry mommy=bratty child. Imagine that. That MY mood and emotions rub off on my child. My words affect her why wouldn't my actions and attitude? We haven't had the smoothest 4 years. Her father has decided to flit in and out of her life, we've moved every year of her life, she has been in 6 different schools. Why would my child be well adjusted and perfect. Her life hasn't been. She's never wanted for anything-always enough food and toys and love. That has always been a constant in her life but the other stuff-routine and structure has just never been there. And its because I've always been trying to chase down something to make her happy and have made many wrong turns along the way. I was always looking for what would be best for HER. Now I'm looking for (and finding I might add) whats best for US. And I don't think putting myself first for a change is necessarily a bad thing. I'm not saying I'd take food out of her mouth or leave her with some random stranger so I can go out drinking. That for sure would NEVER happen. But if I let her spend a little more time at grammas so I can spend time connecting with my friends, or if have her go to bed a little bit earlier so I can have some recharge time alone, of have a friend watch her for an hour so I can go to dance class is that so terrible? That while I'm also pursuing her interests like dance and music, that I'm also working towards my own dreams of dancing/coaching/teaching/whatever is so bad? Or letting a good man in my life to form a relationship with me and letting her adjust to it bad? (man I'm having a really hard time putting this into words-that still doesn't sound the way I want it to).

I just feel like some parents cut things out of their life that they want and NEED because they feel like somehow that is taking away from their child. Like it means they are a bad parent if they let themselves be happy. Or if they take some time for themselves to try a new experience that they think they can't because they are a mom or dad. Or not even wanting to find a partner because they don't want to make that child adjust to a new person in their life because thats somehow not fair or makes them less of a parent. I just....I just don't understand that. I really don't. How can you be the best parent possible if YOU are not happy? If YOU are not fulfilled? Why does it make you a lesser person to let yourself have an interest outside your child? And I admit I'm guilty of it myself her whole life-I've hesitated to take time for me or felt guilty letting someone else watch Princess (including my own mother-seriously like gramma hates spending time with her precious little baby? Not even. She would probably keep her for a month if I allowed it. No mom.) But I NEED to be happy myself. I have to. I need to find my own interests, I need to be able to do things *I* enjoy, I need to not feel guilty to drink a glass of wine at night or go to the gym and let her play in the kid watch. If I'm happy it should mean that she is happy and a better child and ultimately becoming a better person, right? If she grows up into a great person I did do MY job right. Right?

I'm having the hardest time writing this post coherently. I feel like there is so much pressure in the world to be the 'perfect' parent (I'm nowhere NEAR that title) and everyone judges every single thing you do. Why does it need to be that way? Why can't I just live and as long as Princess is fed, healthy, relatively clean, and happy why do you care what I do with myself? Why am I supposed to care what you do? Oh...yeah I really don't. Keep your kid happy and make yourself happy. Enjoy your life. If living for your child is what you want to do then by all means do it. But don't you dare judge anyone else for NOT living that way. I'm not judging you for it. I have several friends who have devoted their life to their children. And you know what? I think a couple of them are realizing they lost themselves somewhere along the way. And they are not ok with that. Life can end in a second, you should do all the things you want to do, you should love all the ones you want and you should find those people who make your heart happy and keep them near. Don't push them away because you think you need to. Either in distance or in your heart. Cause when its your time to go will you look back and be happy about the things you did, the people you had and the life you lived? or will you look back with disappointment on goals left unreached, people you lost and words left unsaid? Don't risk regret. Risk being happy. And maybe get it all.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Music in my soul

Ah music. What does music do for you? Does it cheer you up if you are feeling down? Does it make you laugh? Does it remind you of a moment from your past or inspire you for your future? For me music is all of that. But my favorite thing about music is the fact that just one song can take me back to a moment that feels so real that I can clearly remember what I was feeling at that moment. If I'm lucky, sometimes that emotion can come crashing back and cause me to laugh or cry. It can be an old country song that reminds me of my college days at the bar 2-steppin with my girls. It can be an alternative song that sparks memories of dancing in the rain at my first apartment or at The State Club laughing with the Theta Chi boys. It can be an 80's song that reminds of the nights dancing at Blue Planet and trying to sneak drinks in the corner of the club (shhh don't tell my mom!) or to my days in junior high roaming the town with my then BFF. It can be a hip hop song that takes me back to bartending with my friends wearing short skirts, high heels, lots of lip gloss and flirty laughs. It can be a Simon & Garfunkel song that reminds me of love and laughter and years of crazy adventures in my favorite house ever.

So many songs that I've danced to, sang along with, and cried over. Sometimes I have trouble with my words and expressing myself in a way that makes any sort of sense, so I wish I could just carry a stereo around with me and when a moment comes up I can choose a song from the playlist of my soul and play it so the other person knows what I'm trying to say. There are several songs that just speak to me. I could think of so many that would be on the playlist of my life. Mostly Staind songs to be totally honest. Everything Changes, Believe, Right Here, King of all Excuses. I always kind of wanted to date a songwriter. Someone who could just make up a song that speaks to me and sing it to me. And I did have an ex that used to sing to me and it was so great-it was one thing that really connected us was our love of music. Finding someone who believes in the power of music and doesn't think the whole 'this song touches my soul' thing isn't cheesy is great. And yes, I can be a bit cheesy like that.

I prefer to have music on as much as I possibly can. In the mornings it's Pandora on my phone. In the car I always have my iPhone plugged in on one of my variety of station....currently I have the following playlists (don't judge)

Country (old George Strait, Brooks & Dunn, Tim McGraw etc.)
Hip Hop (gotta have my bartender days reminder of booty music!)
Alternative Angry Rock (this is my hard rock I blast when I'm mad or frustrated-usually with a stupid boy)
Sing (yep a nerdy playlist of Britney, Carrie, Kelly Clarkson and others I can belt out)

What's so funny though-the new iTunes upgrade has the iTunes radio on it now and I only play my Staind station I made. Lots of angry rock! Helps me get through my work day for sure. I love to sing too. I'm not very good at it though. I did sing for 3 years in choir and loved it-even sang a duet from the Little Mermaid in like 9th grade. But my skills are NOT very good now so I only sing for Princess. But I'd love to go on one of those shows like The Voice. I'd love to be a rock star up on stage hoping that someone heard my song and felt what I felt when I wrote it or was singing it. To know that those words spoke to someone and helped them through a bad day or was the soundtrack to a perfect night for them. There are some nights that only a song can help to calm me. I hope that those artist creating music never stop believing that their words mean something to someone. That whatever pain or joy inspired that song spoke to me or someone else. And the best thing is that I see that in Princess. I see her singing all the time now. Making up songs, singing along with me. To see her take something I have passion in and following in it may be the best part of being a parent.

And now I'm just stopping to say that there is this commercial that comes on for a new show Ravenswood (that I'm totally going to watch cause PLL hottie Caleb is in it!) and I always have to stop and sing The Civil Wars "The one that got away". There's one or 2 men in my life I really wish I had never seen their face. I need to get that song at work tomorrow.

So yes.  I fully believe that music can inspire you, maybe even change your life or at least your outlook on it. Work better. To push harder. To love stronger. It can console you and help you realize that someone else went through what you are going through, and that they came out for the better. To hear a song that just makes your body move. Maybe that's why I enjoy dance so much. The ability to take a song and move to it can relax you or it can pump you up for a great night out. Some of my favorite nights began by blasting music and dancing around my bathroom while getting pretty for a night out. And so many nights ended by falling asleep listening to something soothing and that completely summed up my night out.

So what does music do for you? If you've never thought to let music soothe or inspire you then maybe try it. Or if you've never heard a song days or even years later and remembered a sweet memory then you are missing out. I love hearing a song and instantly letting it transport me to another time and another memory. Its almost always the highlight of my day-that instant memory of a time I laughed or a situation that made me stronger.

 Let more music in your life. Dance more. Live more.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Testing my faith in love and communication.

It seems like all around me love is being tested lately. Including my own, but that’s not really what I’m focusing on. Why is there so much heartache in the world? In the past few months I’ve seen several relationships failing or end. These relationships have been anywhere from 6 months – many many years along. From couples in all stages of romance who were just dating, engaged, living together or married. It makes me question my faith in love. In soulmates. Wondering if love really conquers all or if it’s just being given away so easily these days. Everything is so techy now. People meeting on the internet, people sending more emails than love letters, texts of love instead of spoken words of love. Is it because its become too easy to be in love? Or are people just desperate to be in love? Or even that this ease of technology is making it easier to be distracted or even to meet someone else causing that love to change? I’m not saying that there aren’t happy relationships around me, but I will admit, the one relationship that I always counted on lasting-the one who made me believe in true love and happy endings is one of the ones being tested right now. And I’m not going to share the details but it hurts my heart so much to know that there is this pain in my friend’s heart and that their love is being tested right now. Why?

I’m not saying relationships need to be hearts and flowers all the time. That’s silly. And unrealistic. Did I ever mention I’ve read a lot of books? That I have this weird expectation of how relationships are SUPPOSED to go because I’ve read too many novels written with the ‘perfect’ relationship in mind? I have this idea in my head that relationships are supposed to be so easy and never have any problems. Where did I get that from? I’ve never SEEN any perfect relationships. I’ve obviously never been IN a perfect relationship. So....

Where did I get this idea? Reading. Damn the knowledge. The truth? Relationships require 2 people willing to communicate about everything. From simple mundane household things to sharing dreams-even if they are ridiculous. Because if you can't be ridiculous with the one you love then why are you together? Communication. If you are feeling neglected why can’t you tell your partner? If you need more attention or need to be left alone why can’t you tell them that? If you’re scared about the future or stuck on something from your past you should feel like you can share that with him/her so they can not only not stress about what’s wrong (cause chances are you’ve closed up and shut them out making them all paranoid) but they can help you in whatever way you need-do you need some alone time to figure it out? Ok. I can respect that. But DO NOT shut that person out. Either of you. If s/he says ‘please, I just need some time to think’ then don’t get defensive and begin ignoring them and thinking something is YOUR fault. Cause it may not be. Some people are guarded. Their hearts are fragile and it takes a while to open up. Respect that and don’t assume that since they won’t open up they don’t care for you. It may just take some time. But that person needs to also respect your heart and believe that since they chose you to be with that they can trust you with that guarded heart and let you help them. Open it up. People are scared of being hurt. Some people are so broken its hard to let anyone in (well hello personal experience). But when they do you can’t take that fragile heart and tear it even more (hey there again, that’s me I’m talking about!).

Be willing to communicate. To compromise. Everyone has baggage. There is no ‘perfect person for you’. There are imperfect people who love you enough to compromise and give and take. To love you enough to look at your flaws and either embrace them or help you fix them. Sometimes two people, no matter how much in love they think they are, they just can’t ever make it work-but MAYBE THEY CAN. If they are both willing to try. Cause if you can find someone who makes you feel special, makes you smile, and you know in your heart is the one you want to make it work with then TRY. Remember to focus on what you need and don’t be afraid to ask your partner for it. If you truly love someone you will be willing to do the hard work and make it right-cause once its right, those hard times will be few and far between. And you will realize that it was all worth it in the end.  

But don’t get me wrong-don’t waste your time. Don’t waste it on someone who can’t be an adult and talk to you or decides to run from you. Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t willing to give you full attention when you ask for it. If you ASK and don’t get it because they don’t want to listen-then its not worth your time. People are not mind readers, as much as we like to think they are. You have to be a grown up and use your words. I tell my daughter this all the time but how many times have *I* actually been a grown up and used my words? Less times than I’d like to admit. Although, the last time I wanted to use my words I wasn’t allowed to and it hurts-I waited too long. So when your partner tries to open up to you and make it work, give them the respect they deserve and listen to understand, not reply. Respect that heart that loved you and your own flaws and let them speak, especially if they have stood by your side for years through so many hard times. And respect that heart that loves you and tell them what YOU need and want-don’t expect them to know what’s in your heart if you can’t communicate. Why go on miserable when it doesn't have to be like that. You can always say 'This is not how I want my story to end' and change it.
It seems like so many relationships can be fixed by just....COMMUNICATING. What's the worst that can happen if you open up and say what you want and need? That your partner will say "I can't do that" and leave? Well they were probably on their way out the door anyhow so at least you can have....closure (I hate that word too) and move on. You can know that you tried and found it couldn't work. But what happens if you DO open up and say what you want and that partner says 'I'm sorry I didn't know. I will fix it' and then you end up happier than before? That's good right?!? And IT.CAN.HAPPEN. Its always a possibility. But you wont know if you don't speak up. Don't regret speaking your mind.

Am I going to give up on Lady Love? For right now yes. My heart is too raw with my own heartbreak and those full of pain around me. I still believe in love and know I see it in couples around me every day, but my heart is still sad for those who are struggling with fixing their own pain right now and I think I need to leave Love alone right now. She’s not really playing fair with everyone and that’s just not cool with me. I just hope that my reminder to open up helps one of those couples who are fighting love and communicating right now.  

**This post took me 4 days to write. Its a little jumbled as I've got so many emotions going on right now so I hope its pretty coherent.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Finding happy

So those who know me know I have a tendency for over dramatics, for emotional outbursts, for getting angry and lashing out. I also have a problem with overthinking everything to the point of making myself absolutely nuts. I don't know why. But its bad. I second guess everything I do. I cry to myself over making a stupid decision. I DONT make decisions because I'm too terrified to make them. Is there a word for that? I think there is. Fear. I fear so much. I fear making others mad, of disappointing others, of raising princess wrong, of failing. Fear of being happy. And mostly I fear wasting this life.

But there is one decision (well 2) in my life I have never for a moment second-guessed or agonized over or regretting and that was my choice to move to my current hometown. I live in a quiet and small town. And I love it. I miss Target and Rosa's and Taco Bueno. But I love the town. The peace. The good school that princess is at. The fact that we are part of a community who celebrates football.  And most of all....I love the people I've surrounded myself with. My decision to move was made before I started dating my now ex-boyfriend, but part of my excitement on the move was being close to him. And we are not together anymore. And I admit I'm heartbroken over it. He is my soul mate (yeah that's present tense). People may roll their eyes or argue with it but in my heart I know its true. But we aren't on the same page. That's no ones fault. Our emotions got the best of us and I think we ran a little faster than we should of. It doesn't mean we can't find ourselves in the future on the same page. But it also doesn't mean that there isn't someone better suited for our way of life (er lives I guess) out there that we each may stumble upon before serendipity decides to put us back together. He is a good man. He is sweet and loving and has an amazing heart and is a wonderful father. To both his son and how he treated princess. I could not have wanted a better person to be in our lives. He is one of many people in this lovely town that have made an impact on my life and that of my child's. In a positive way. More than I could have wished for.

The people we are surrounded by are full of life, positive energy, hilarity and love. They have had a huge impact on my life the last couple of weeks. Texts, outings, support, etc. They have been there to listen and not make me feel judged. I admit, I was terrified after my breakup that I'd be 'outcast' because he has been in their group for a very long time. But I wasn't. In fact, the opposite happened. They've all mostly been friends since before they hit puberty, and even though I've known one of them for a mere 5 years I feel like I've known them for so much longer. Its been a long time since I've been in a group of friends where I didn't feel like the odd one out. They are not without issues or hard times. But the difference is-they don't let their hardships bring them down or use it to hurt or push away those around them. I always let rough times bring me down, break ups destroy me, things make me angry and cause me to push people out. And now I can feel myself slowly beginning to let happiness and positive energy back in my life. And you know what, I'm becoming happy again.

I truly believed I would never be happy again. That I was going to forever be this lonely bitter hateful person. But I'm not. I'm realizing I can focus on my dreams again, I'm realizing I have a good group of friends who are going to support me, encourage me and cheer for me no matter what. I'm realizing that my child, who can be a beast, is behaving better because *I* am behaving better. Funny how that works isn't it. Happiness is out there. No....wait. Scratch that. Happiness is HERE. I am making it my own. There is nothing keeping HAPPY from being a word that describes me. And its because I finally made the decision to pick a home and surround myself with people who also have that word HAPPY describe them. And I'm taking in that life from these wonderful people and this town that even Princess told me yesterday on our way home from cheer 'Momma I love our town'. That right there made me realize I'd finally done it-I was happy. And I won't let anyone steal it from me again. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be in love (still am, and I know I will find it again sometime). I have the right to be satisfied with my decisions and not worry they are being judged. I will live this life I was given and do what I can to make the most of it. Don't let FEAR hold you back from being happy. Mistakes can be fixed, decisions can be changed and you have to remember that, because before you know it you may miss out. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to get what you want and be happy with it. You don't need to fear happiness. Cause once you get it-you'll never want to let it go.

Live happy my friends.