Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Finding happy

So those who know me know I have a tendency for over dramatics, for emotional outbursts, for getting angry and lashing out. I also have a problem with overthinking everything to the point of making myself absolutely nuts. I don't know why. But its bad. I second guess everything I do. I cry to myself over making a stupid decision. I DONT make decisions because I'm too terrified to make them. Is there a word for that? I think there is. Fear. I fear so much. I fear making others mad, of disappointing others, of raising princess wrong, of failing. Fear of being happy. And mostly I fear wasting this life.

But there is one decision (well 2) in my life I have never for a moment second-guessed or agonized over or regretting and that was my choice to move to my current hometown. I live in a quiet and small town. And I love it. I miss Target and Rosa's and Taco Bueno. But I love the town. The peace. The good school that princess is at. The fact that we are part of a community who celebrates football.  And most of all....I love the people I've surrounded myself with. My decision to move was made before I started dating my now ex-boyfriend, but part of my excitement on the move was being close to him. And we are not together anymore. And I admit I'm heartbroken over it. He is my soul mate (yeah that's present tense). People may roll their eyes or argue with it but in my heart I know its true. But we aren't on the same page. That's no ones fault. Our emotions got the best of us and I think we ran a little faster than we should of. It doesn't mean we can't find ourselves in the future on the same page. But it also doesn't mean that there isn't someone better suited for our way of life (er lives I guess) out there that we each may stumble upon before serendipity decides to put us back together. He is a good man. He is sweet and loving and has an amazing heart and is a wonderful father. To both his son and how he treated princess. I could not have wanted a better person to be in our lives. He is one of many people in this lovely town that have made an impact on my life and that of my child's. In a positive way. More than I could have wished for.

The people we are surrounded by are full of life, positive energy, hilarity and love. They have had a huge impact on my life the last couple of weeks. Texts, outings, support, etc. They have been there to listen and not make me feel judged. I admit, I was terrified after my breakup that I'd be 'outcast' because he has been in their group for a very long time. But I wasn't. In fact, the opposite happened. They've all mostly been friends since before they hit puberty, and even though I've known one of them for a mere 5 years I feel like I've known them for so much longer. Its been a long time since I've been in a group of friends where I didn't feel like the odd one out. They are not without issues or hard times. But the difference is-they don't let their hardships bring them down or use it to hurt or push away those around them. I always let rough times bring me down, break ups destroy me, things make me angry and cause me to push people out. And now I can feel myself slowly beginning to let happiness and positive energy back in my life. And you know what, I'm becoming happy again.

I truly believed I would never be happy again. That I was going to forever be this lonely bitter hateful person. But I'm not. I'm realizing I can focus on my dreams again, I'm realizing I have a good group of friends who are going to support me, encourage me and cheer for me no matter what. I'm realizing that my child, who can be a beast, is behaving better because *I* am behaving better. Funny how that works isn't it. Happiness is out there. No....wait. Scratch that. Happiness is HERE. I am making it my own. There is nothing keeping HAPPY from being a word that describes me. And its because I finally made the decision to pick a home and surround myself with people who also have that word HAPPY describe them. And I'm taking in that life from these wonderful people and this town that even Princess told me yesterday on our way home from cheer 'Momma I love our town'. That right there made me realize I'd finally done it-I was happy. And I won't let anyone steal it from me again. I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be in love (still am, and I know I will find it again sometime). I have the right to be satisfied with my decisions and not worry they are being judged. I will live this life I was given and do what I can to make the most of it. Don't let FEAR hold you back from being happy. Mistakes can be fixed, decisions can be changed and you have to remember that, because before you know it you may miss out. Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to get what you want and be happy with it. You don't need to fear happiness. Cause once you get it-you'll never want to let it go.

Live happy my friends.

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