Thursday, October 10, 2013

Testing my faith in love and communication.


It seems like all around me love is being tested lately. Including my own, but that’s not really what I’m focusing on. Why is there so much heartache in the world? In the past few months I’ve seen several relationships failing or end. These relationships have been anywhere from 6 months – many many years along. From couples in all stages of romance who were just dating, engaged, living together or married. It makes me question my faith in love. In soulmates. Wondering if love really conquers all or if it’s just being given away so easily these days. Everything is so techy now. People meeting on the internet, people sending more emails than love letters, texts of love instead of spoken words of love. Is it because its become too easy to be in love? Or are people just desperate to be in love? Or even that this ease of technology is making it easier to be distracted or even to meet someone else causing that love to change? I’m not saying that there aren’t happy relationships around me, but I will admit, the one relationship that I always counted on lasting-the one who made me believe in true love and happy endings is one of the ones being tested right now. And I’m not going to share the details but it hurts my heart so much to know that there is this pain in my friend’s heart and that their love is being tested right now. Why?

I’m not saying relationships need to be hearts and flowers all the time. That’s silly. And unrealistic. Did I ever mention I’ve read a lot of books? That I have this weird expectation of how relationships are SUPPOSED to go because I’ve read too many novels written with the ‘perfect’ relationship in mind? I have this idea in my head that relationships are supposed to be so easy and never have any problems. Where did I get that from? I’ve never SEEN any perfect relationships. I’ve obviously never been IN a perfect relationship. So....

Where did I get this idea? Reading. Damn the knowledge. The truth? Relationships require 2 people willing to communicate about everything. From simple mundane household things to sharing dreams-even if they are ridiculous. Because if you can't be ridiculous with the one you love then why are you together? Communication. If you are feeling neglected why can’t you tell your partner? If you need more attention or need to be left alone why can’t you tell them that? If you’re scared about the future or stuck on something from your past you should feel like you can share that with him/her so they can not only not stress about what’s wrong (cause chances are you’ve closed up and shut them out making them all paranoid) but they can help you in whatever way you need-do you need some alone time to figure it out? Ok. I can respect that. But DO NOT shut that person out. Either of you. If s/he says ‘please, I just need some time to think’ then don’t get defensive and begin ignoring them and thinking something is YOUR fault. Cause it may not be. Some people are guarded. Their hearts are fragile and it takes a while to open up. Respect that and don’t assume that since they won’t open up they don’t care for you. It may just take some time. But that person needs to also respect your heart and believe that since they chose you to be with that they can trust you with that guarded heart and let you help them. Open it up. People are scared of being hurt. Some people are so broken its hard to let anyone in (well hello personal experience). But when they do you can’t take that fragile heart and tear it even more (hey there again, that’s me I’m talking about!).

Be willing to communicate. To compromise. Everyone has baggage. There is no ‘perfect person for you’. There are imperfect people who love you enough to compromise and give and take. To love you enough to look at your flaws and either embrace them or help you fix them. Sometimes two people, no matter how much in love they think they are, they just can’t ever make it work-but MAYBE THEY CAN. If they are both willing to try. Cause if you can find someone who makes you feel special, makes you smile, and you know in your heart is the one you want to make it work with then TRY. Remember to focus on what you need and don’t be afraid to ask your partner for it. If you truly love someone you will be willing to do the hard work and make it right-cause once its right, those hard times will be few and far between. And you will realize that it was all worth it in the end.  

But don’t get me wrong-don’t waste your time. Don’t waste it on someone who can’t be an adult and talk to you or decides to run from you. Don’t waste your time on someone who isn’t willing to give you full attention when you ask for it. If you ASK and don’t get it because they don’t want to listen-then its not worth your time. People are not mind readers, as much as we like to think they are. You have to be a grown up and use your words. I tell my daughter this all the time but how many times have *I* actually been a grown up and used my words? Less times than I’d like to admit. Although, the last time I wanted to use my words I wasn’t allowed to and it hurts-I waited too long. So when your partner tries to open up to you and make it work, give them the respect they deserve and listen to understand, not reply. Respect that heart that loved you and your own flaws and let them speak, especially if they have stood by your side for years through so many hard times. And respect that heart that loves you and tell them what YOU need and want-don’t expect them to know what’s in your heart if you can’t communicate. Why go on miserable when it doesn't have to be like that. You can always say 'This is not how I want my story to end' and change it.
It seems like so many relationships can be fixed by just....COMMUNICATING. What's the worst that can happen if you open up and say what you want and need? That your partner will say "I can't do that" and leave? Well they were probably on their way out the door anyhow so at least you can have....closure (I hate that word too) and move on. You can know that you tried and found it couldn't work. But what happens if you DO open up and say what you want and that partner says 'I'm sorry I didn't know. I will fix it' and then you end up happier than before? That's good right?!? And IT.CAN.HAPPEN. Its always a possibility. But you wont know if you don't speak up. Don't regret speaking your mind.

Am I going to give up on Lady Love? For right now yes. My heart is too raw with my own heartbreak and those full of pain around me. I still believe in love and know I see it in couples around me every day, but my heart is still sad for those who are struggling with fixing their own pain right now and I think I need to leave Love alone right now. She’s not really playing fair with everyone and that’s just not cool with me. I just hope that my reminder to open up helps one of those couples who are fighting love and communicating right now.  

**This post took me 4 days to write. Its a little jumbled as I've got so many emotions going on right now so I hope its pretty coherent.

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