Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Years Eve 2013

Its the last day of the year. The day everyone begins making resolutions and plans and goals for the new year. But how many people actually follow through on those? I know I hardly ever do. But here's 2 that I WILL follow through on.

1. Forgive others
2. Be happy

Forgiveness is hard. It may be one of the hardest things for some people to do. I'm terrible at forgiveness. I hold grudges, I get angry very quickly and I NEVER FORGET. But you know what I realized? Forgiveness is more for YOURSELF than it is for the other person. Does the other person deserve your forgiveness? Maybe not. But your own heart does. Your soul does. You shouldn't let the weight of someone else's mistakes or hurtful actions hold you down. Let it go. Not for them, but for you. You deserve a heart free of pain and hurt and the only way to truly get that is to forgive them and move on. Realize that forgiving them doesn't make what they did ok, it simply says 'I'm letting your action go to help myself".  Sometimes people hurt you by accident and sometimes people are just hateful and do it on purpose. I've had my share of both and I know I've hurt people, both on purpose and accident. Some of those people may have forgiven me, some may not and that's something I will live with. But its about my own heart. And my change for 2014 is going to be to realize that if someone hurts me, its their problem, not mine. I will take from it what I can and move on. Forgive them so that my own heart can stay clear. So those who have hurt me in the past, I'm moving on from it. I can't let what you did hold me back. What does holding anger do? Make you bitter maybe. Make you miss the good things. There are so many good things in the world that I can love and appreciate when my soul isn't holding anger, resentment and hate towards anyone. So I urge you to start 2014 with a clean heart. Let go of that pain and anger and forgive those who have hurt you. It will do you more good than you realize to let that weight go. And maybe, you might find that someone you forgive is willing to try to fix it and you may get a stronger relationship from them. Its just a possibility. Just remember that forgiving doesn't erase what happened, it says you are ready to move on and look to happier days. With or without that person is entirely up to you.  My Irish temper has always sought revenge, but really what does that do? Karma is a much better revenge than I could ever plot (and I have an incredibly vivid imagination). So its not MY responsibility to pay someone back for what they did. Its my responsibility to take care of my body and not let that negativity stay with me. Make the choice to remove the negativity and move on.

Be happy. Why is that so hard? Why is that something people struggle with? Happiness is inside you. I promise.  You can make the choice to live life happy or live it sad. Why would you choose sadness? There are things all around you that can hold you down, but YOU can make the decision to not let them keep you down. YOU can make the decision to do more, be more, have more. Is it easy to get more? No, probably not-I'll find out here in a few weeks exactly how hard it is to be more. Is it easy to wake up each morning and say "I will make this a good day"? Yep. Sure is. You know how I know? I made that decision to wake up each day and find something beautiful in it. Some days are harder, but every single day has a lovely moment that you can draw happiness from. Maybe it won't smack you in the face but taking a moment to stand outside and take a deep breath of fresh clean air, or smile at a stranger, or see a mother hug her child. Those are simple lovely moments that you can draw happiness out of. Sounds silly right? Yeah I can see that, but then again, is it going to hurt anything to try it? Nope. There is a world of beauty and happiness out there, and there is no reason why you can't take one of those happy moments and make it yours. Send a compliment to someone, tell someone you appreciate them, listen to a song that brings back a great memory, listen to a child's laughter (that is the best remedy for anything-a pure sound of innocence and joy) all those things-they make your heart happy. They make your soul happy. They make you smile. I am a huge believer in music helping you feel better and I read something that said singing out loud can release endorphins, I never knew that but once I read that I thought oh....so that's why I always feel so good after I sing (badly) out loud. Huh. Realization is a fantastic thing. Find a song and SING. With your whole body. I guarantee you will feel better, maybe even laugh and we all know that laughter is beautiful from anyone. We should all strive to laugh more.

So for 2014 I seriously urge you to think about these 2 things to make you live a better life. Will it hurt to try either of them? Nope, probably not. But maybe at midnight tonight you can exhale the pain and anger out and start your first breath of 2014 happy, with an open heart, open mind and a happier soul. Its what I plan to do.

Have a safe New Years Eve. Celebrate responsibly.

Monday, December 30, 2013

The new year and a new me....

I cant believe it’s the new year already. 2013 went by so slowly yet the last few weeks seemed to fly by. The last 16 months of my life have been crazy. Mostly down moments speckled by a few great ones. Very few great ones. I had a rough year financially and basically spent a year being emotionally drained and stressed out. It was a hard year. I had to make some changes, really try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and had to look at what I was doing and how it affected Princess. Did she deserve a stressed out parent who was always too exhausted to even just be out of bed? Or was super moody all the time? Did she deserve missing out on things because mommy couldn’t afford it? Although she never had to do without ANYTHING she wanted-I was the one who would do without before she would. But that wasn’t fair to me either. And why can’t we both have everything we want? That’s the joy of being an adult right? You get to have what YOU want too? So I guess I needed to fix it. And I finally started to. 
It all started when I met a boy and I realized I could fall in love again. He was so sweet and said all the right things. He showed me that guys can actually treat a girl well. He spoiled me a bit for sure, something I wasn't used to. But, I have realized that I have unrealistic expectations in a relationship thanks to the oodles of stupid romance novels and books I’ve read, or the dramatic series I’ve watched on TV that show amazing relationships that are all scripted and filled in perfectly. Love isn’t like that. Unfortunately our paths just weren’t the same and we didn’t see things the same way I guess, and I went through another rough heartbreak. Probably the roughest one I’ve had. But I survived. And realized that I can find man even as a single parent. Cause I truly believed that I couldn't-I don't even know why.  Now I know I can be patient and look at all the things I’m doing for ME to make my own soul happy and full. I know that the things I WANT to do, that boy wouldn’t have supported me.  And I need someone who will stand by me and push me to reach my dreams.  I’ve seen what love can be and how it shouldn’t be and I have a better idea of what I want and need from someone. And I know that I will eventually find the man who will do all those realistic and much needed things that I am looking for. Someday. But I don’t have to rush it. It will happen.
So what does the mommy want for 2014? I want to live my dreams. I want to be happy with my life. Live laugh love right? So lets see....

Live-I want to reach my dreams. I want to dance again. I want to maybe sing. Maybe act. Maybe climb a mountain. Maybe become a great chef. Ok really, I’m sure my family is laughing at most of those. But I am starting dance lessons in January. Its not the class I want to take, but it’s a start. It’s a step in the right direction. I’m considering taking voice lessons. I know its crazy, and I’m known for having crazy ideas and jumping from interest to interest (personal training, computer tech, wedding planner, teacher etc) but usually it’s because I get frustrated when I sit down and have to plan out how I get there, then I get distracted by something shiny and I’ve moved on to the next great thing. Or i think that someone else might think its ridiculous and I'm ashamed of it. But who cares. Its MY life right? And I want to be happy and do whatever I want to do. Perhaps if I focus on one or two things I actually love doing, that is a step into happiness right? And isn’t the point of life to do what you love and be happy? Just live?
Laugh-I’ve actually taken that step and moved to a new town that I just love. I live minutes (seconds even) from several friends that I know I can drop in on at any time and be (mostly) welcome. I’ve surrounded myself with loving and hilarious people who live their lives happily with direction and purpose and are just being them. They fill my life with humor and love and I could not pick better people to lift me and my mini-me up each day. A 2 minute stop can turn into hours of laughter that brings tears and new stories to look back on and laugh even when you are surrounded by strangers, something that no amount of money could ever by. True happiness from friendship. from people who will stand beside you and support you. The memories and the future moments are intangible things to not take for granted.  I know  this group will be lifelong partners on this road I’m forging for me and Princess. And I could not be happier about it in this small quiet town that I adore so much.
Love- oh yes, the hardest one. To be in love with someone who also loves you back is an incredible and wonderful feeling. And while in the back of my mind I so desperately want a relationship, I know that I can’t settle. I can’t let someone in who won’t support me and encourage me to move forward. As I look over the past men I’ve been with none of them have held my same passions, or more than one of my interests.  They were not supportive or encouraged me to do more with my life or chase my dreams. But then again-none of them asked about my dreams. About what inspired me. And probably up until a few weeks ago my answers would have changed monthly depending on who I was with. The person who finally brought back my true dreams and inspiration was my daughter of all people. I have always been the ‘super supportive’ girlfriend who tried to push people to do what made them happy. And I never got that in return from any of the men I dated. And it took me a damn long time to figure that out. Sometimes I gave more than I got, and sometimes I pushed too hard for things I didn’t really want and pushed people away. I think I’ve realized that flaw of mine and will be working on it. As I go through my days and the new adventures I’m ready to start I am opening myself up to meeting new people. And perhaps as I’m learning new skills in my life I’ll finally meet someone who is passionate about something that I’m interested in-music or dance perhaps. Seeing someone inspired by what they want or what they do is something I haven’t seen in a man in a long time. Its an attractive quality, and I hope to stumble upon someone with that quality in the next year.
I’m going to chase my dreams, I’m going to meet new people, I’m going to travel, I’m going to expose Princess to the many options of the world and make sure that she is always inspired by the world around her so that she doesn't realize in her 30s that she has to start over like her momma is. It’s a new year and it’s a new chapter of my life. One I want to be able to re-read and be proud of. One that I can’t look at and say ‘I wish I had done it differently’ like so many of the previous chapters of my life. Its not too late to start my life over, even if some people might say it is. I'm having fun with my life again realizing that I actually WANT to do something.
Is your new chapter ready to begin?

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I'm so ridiculous....

That I think I should write a post about it. Why not right? My blog = my rules. I can be incredibly dorky if I wanna be! So lately the Princess and I have been very into cheer and dance. Well, I'm always into dance even though over the past 5 years of being a mommy that passion has been put on the back burner. But now that Princess is an active child doing cheer and dance I've become inspired again. I've also been more into singing. Why, I don't know since I have a terrible voice. Although I did sing in choir all through 7th - 9th grade (even doing a solo or 2!) and always pictured myself as a singer. But really I'm terrible at it, even though I think I'm fabulous-so does Princess. She loves for me to sing so perhaps I'm not as horrendous as I think I am, but then again she is 4 and I feed her so she could just be keeping me happy. I've become addicted to the movie Pitch Perfect. Even my child knows it's my favorite movie and what my favorite parts are (which really is pretty much ALL of it!) So we have watched this movie oh say....a dozen times in the last couple of weeks? And I think her favorite part is singing Bulletproof, which I'm totally going to get on video someday. And when I say "we" watch it what I mean is I'm curled up on the sofa watching (for the zillionth time) and she hears a song start and runs out to sing it with me then goes back into her room to play. She also dances. She had the moves down pretty quickly. She is going to be a singer or dancer someday herself. She could be a Bella. I want to be a Bella. And what's so funny is the other day I had someone tweet me about a call for actors/models/performers in my city. Can I go? I know I'd be an excellent actor or performer. Model maybe not so much, but I can memorize lines, probably. But then I'd have to actually get up in front of people and let them judge me. Eh, I don't know. I'm still thinking that one over.

The point of this is getting away from me. I have a huge crush on Skylar Astin. I mean, he's adorable, how can you not? And I adore Brittany Snow, Anna Camp, Rebel Wilson and Anna Kendrick. I want to be a Barden Bella. And I'd date Jesse, heck I'd even date that hot guy with the big hair that keeps showing his abs. Wait-that wasn't actually the point of this post-social media is. So I started watching Ground Floor (go watch it. Seriously funny and Skylar, Briga and John are fabulous) and I now follow on Instagram and Twitter most of the cast of Ground Floor as well as Pitch Perfect. And over the last few days I've maybe a bit obsessively tweeted and IG'd but I've been responded to by a few celebs from the show and its made me ridiculously happy. I even had Justin Carrier, a cheer phenom respond to me a few times! I feel like a major celeb creeper cause I'm so happy about it, but then again it makes me love them all even more to see them actually interact with their fans. Even if it IS one of their media people doing it FOR them, its still pretty awesome I think. Do you think Kanye responds personally to his fans or even thinks to have a rep do it for him? Doubtful. Good grief I can't stand him.

So that's it. I've been super excited, damn near giddy, that celebs have paid me the tiniest bit of attention online over the last week or so. Totally social media obsessed. I'm easily impressed I suppose but its also been fun. I just wish my obsessive personality could obsess over things like a clean house or car or perhaps budgeting. But how is that fun?

So be ridiculous. Let things make you happy no matter how simple they are or how silly they may seem to other people. Why shouldn't you find joy in something little?  I'm a celeb-aholic and I'm not ashamed of it. If someone doesn't like they can unfollow or ignore me. I'm ok with that. 2014 is all about being real and being whatever I want to be.