Monday, December 30, 2013

The new year and a new me....

I cant believe it’s the new year already. 2013 went by so slowly yet the last few weeks seemed to fly by. The last 16 months of my life have been crazy. Mostly down moments speckled by a few great ones. Very few great ones. I had a rough year financially and basically spent a year being emotionally drained and stressed out. It was a hard year. I had to make some changes, really try to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and had to look at what I was doing and how it affected Princess. Did she deserve a stressed out parent who was always too exhausted to even just be out of bed? Or was super moody all the time? Did she deserve missing out on things because mommy couldn’t afford it? Although she never had to do without ANYTHING she wanted-I was the one who would do without before she would. But that wasn’t fair to me either. And why can’t we both have everything we want? That’s the joy of being an adult right? You get to have what YOU want too? So I guess I needed to fix it. And I finally started to. 
It all started when I met a boy and I realized I could fall in love again. He was so sweet and said all the right things. He showed me that guys can actually treat a girl well. He spoiled me a bit for sure, something I wasn't used to. But, I have realized that I have unrealistic expectations in a relationship thanks to the oodles of stupid romance novels and books I’ve read, or the dramatic series I’ve watched on TV that show amazing relationships that are all scripted and filled in perfectly. Love isn’t like that. Unfortunately our paths just weren’t the same and we didn’t see things the same way I guess, and I went through another rough heartbreak. Probably the roughest one I’ve had. But I survived. And realized that I can find man even as a single parent. Cause I truly believed that I couldn't-I don't even know why.  Now I know I can be patient and look at all the things I’m doing for ME to make my own soul happy and full. I know that the things I WANT to do, that boy wouldn’t have supported me.  And I need someone who will stand by me and push me to reach my dreams.  I’ve seen what love can be and how it shouldn’t be and I have a better idea of what I want and need from someone. And I know that I will eventually find the man who will do all those realistic and much needed things that I am looking for. Someday. But I don’t have to rush it. It will happen.
So what does the mommy want for 2014? I want to live my dreams. I want to be happy with my life. Live laugh love right? So lets see....

Live-I want to reach my dreams. I want to dance again. I want to maybe sing. Maybe act. Maybe climb a mountain. Maybe become a great chef. Ok really, I’m sure my family is laughing at most of those. But I am starting dance lessons in January. Its not the class I want to take, but it’s a start. It’s a step in the right direction. I’m considering taking voice lessons. I know its crazy, and I’m known for having crazy ideas and jumping from interest to interest (personal training, computer tech, wedding planner, teacher etc) but usually it’s because I get frustrated when I sit down and have to plan out how I get there, then I get distracted by something shiny and I’ve moved on to the next great thing. Or i think that someone else might think its ridiculous and I'm ashamed of it. But who cares. Its MY life right? And I want to be happy and do whatever I want to do. Perhaps if I focus on one or two things I actually love doing, that is a step into happiness right? And isn’t the point of life to do what you love and be happy? Just live?
Laugh-I’ve actually taken that step and moved to a new town that I just love. I live minutes (seconds even) from several friends that I know I can drop in on at any time and be (mostly) welcome. I’ve surrounded myself with loving and hilarious people who live their lives happily with direction and purpose and are just being them. They fill my life with humor and love and I could not pick better people to lift me and my mini-me up each day. A 2 minute stop can turn into hours of laughter that brings tears and new stories to look back on and laugh even when you are surrounded by strangers, something that no amount of money could ever by. True happiness from friendship. from people who will stand beside you and support you. The memories and the future moments are intangible things to not take for granted.  I know  this group will be lifelong partners on this road I’m forging for me and Princess. And I could not be happier about it in this small quiet town that I adore so much.
Love- oh yes, the hardest one. To be in love with someone who also loves you back is an incredible and wonderful feeling. And while in the back of my mind I so desperately want a relationship, I know that I can’t settle. I can’t let someone in who won’t support me and encourage me to move forward. As I look over the past men I’ve been with none of them have held my same passions, or more than one of my interests.  They were not supportive or encouraged me to do more with my life or chase my dreams. But then again-none of them asked about my dreams. About what inspired me. And probably up until a few weeks ago my answers would have changed monthly depending on who I was with. The person who finally brought back my true dreams and inspiration was my daughter of all people. I have always been the ‘super supportive’ girlfriend who tried to push people to do what made them happy. And I never got that in return from any of the men I dated. And it took me a damn long time to figure that out. Sometimes I gave more than I got, and sometimes I pushed too hard for things I didn’t really want and pushed people away. I think I’ve realized that flaw of mine and will be working on it. As I go through my days and the new adventures I’m ready to start I am opening myself up to meeting new people. And perhaps as I’m learning new skills in my life I’ll finally meet someone who is passionate about something that I’m interested in-music or dance perhaps. Seeing someone inspired by what they want or what they do is something I haven’t seen in a man in a long time. Its an attractive quality, and I hope to stumble upon someone with that quality in the next year.
I’m going to chase my dreams, I’m going to meet new people, I’m going to travel, I’m going to expose Princess to the many options of the world and make sure that she is always inspired by the world around her so that she doesn't realize in her 30s that she has to start over like her momma is. It’s a new year and it’s a new chapter of my life. One I want to be able to re-read and be proud of. One that I can’t look at and say ‘I wish I had done it differently’ like so many of the previous chapters of my life. Its not too late to start my life over, even if some people might say it is. I'm having fun with my life again realizing that I actually WANT to do something.
Is your new chapter ready to begin?

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