Tuesday, January 07, 2014

What to do with my so-called life

So many dreams running through my head. Where were they all when I was in my 20s and spending too much time bartending and having fun? Oh yeah, I was, well, having fun being in my 20s. There isn't anything wrong with that, but I wish I'd had the focus I have now. But are there many 20 year olds who are worried about what direction to take? Which path to follow? Well of course there are, but I wasn't one of them. My goals back in my 20s were to work as a corporate trainer for a restaurant corporation. To travel and implement training programs that *I* created myself. And I did it on a small scale. But my true dreams of dancing were pushed to the side when I didn't pursue school or dancing and that new goal (not a dream, just a goal-a career path) replaced it.

So now in my 30s as a single mother who is inspired everyday by my little mini-me, I have these new dreams come back. I've always had such a vivid imagination. I picture full scenarios in my head, make believe lives, future plans and more. In fact its part of what makes my insomnia so bad. That I get one of these scenarios stuck in my head and think about it all night long. But....I'm a single mom. I don't have the time, energy or really the right to go after my dreams, I just need to push my child's dreams only. Right? Well. NO. NO NO NO.

So in my head these days are these ideas of what to DO with my life. I don't feel fulfilled. I have these passions inside me for things I enjoy doing and want to be able to do more of. Like this blog. Like dancing. Like singing. Like traveling. I realize that a single mother working a 50 hour a week job makes doing some of those things a little difficult, but if I can make it work why shouldn't I do it? No of course its unrealistic to think I can do EVERYTHING I want to. And I'm sure people will think I'm 'spoiling' my child if I let her do every activity she wants-BUT, and here's the big thing for me-what if I say no to something she wants to do and it ends up being something she could have excelled at or had a great passion for? Why can't I let her try out just about everything that's out there for her and see what works? We tried soccer-she hated it. Ok got it. We tried dance-LOVES IT. Now we are trying cheer and she likes it (not loves, not yet really). She wants to try horseback riding and basketball and soccer again. If I can make the time and afford it why can't I put her in everything to see where her talent lies? I CAN. So why can't I do that for me?

So many times people say "I'm too old" or that old saying "Can't teach an old dog new tricks". Well guess what...*I* am not going to let that stand in my way. You are only as old as you feel, and my daughter makes me feel young and able to do more. So I'm going to. Maybe I can be a singer, or maybe a famous blogger, or maybe just a local studio dance teacher. But they are my passions and as long as I get to indulge in them every day of my life then that's all that matters to me. I want to be able to look back and say "I had a good life and I did almost everything I wanted to". I was so stuck in this idea that since I'm a single mother that my life was over and I couldn't do ANYTHING for me anymore. Why? Why do people think that? I'm done thinking that. I'm done and ready to begin. I emailed the local dance studio to find out info on her adult class and I started a Twitter for my blog so I can start encouraging myself to post more. I love reading blogs and getting new advice on everything. I also enjoy giving feedback on things, things that work, things that suck, ideas you may not have thought of-why can't I write about that? If ONE person gets something useful from my blog then I will feel like it matters. That's it. I just want it to help someone else. They way so many blogs out there helped me.

Being a single mother does NOT mean your life is over. I want to set the example for my daughter that she can be anything she wants, if she sees me doing nothing how do I convince her she can anything? Simple, I cant. Lead by example.